I Don’t Want to be Vulnerable

$\"blog\"$ While thinking about what to write today, I realised that I don’t want to be vulnerable anymore. Why? Well, there are lots of reasons but the most obvious one being I don’t want to get hurt. Because you see, for every piece I write, I share a little bit of my heart and potentially open myself up to being hurt.

Lemme give you a bit of context. I was quite vulnerable and naïve in my secondary school days, and this led to me being hurt a lot of times. Now, my solution to that problem was lock everyone out. My solution was to build a wall around myself with a door that only I could open, and at the time it worked. I didn’t have a lot of friends, but then my previous \”friendships\” hadn\’t made the whole friendship thing very appealing so it really wasn’t an issue. Fast forward to my first year in university and my wall started causing me a lot of stress, so I started pulling it down. It was a hard process, but it opened me up to meet amazing people, which was great!

Now, in recent times, I’ve been through stuff that have made me attempt to rebuild those walls. In the last couple of weeks, I haven’t been posting often on my blog, and today, I realised that the real reason I haven’t been posting, is not because I have nothing to say, but because the things I have to say, hit too close to home and I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t people using my words against me, or using my past experiences or my struggles to judge me.

However, while I was thinking about what to write that wouldn’t be too personal but would still have some essence, I realised that if I choose not to be vulnerable, I defeat the purpose for which I started this blog.

I blog because for every time I have gone through a rough patch I have wished I could find someone who understood my struggles and gave me some hope. I blog, because I want a situation where, when someone reads my blog, they get a measure of hope, a feeling of, “oh I’m not alone in this way of thinking or in this struggle”. So if I stop being real and honest, I might feel like I’m saving myself from a lot of hurt, but what about all the other people out there, who need to hear my voice? Who need to know it’s okay to not have everything in order, and it’s okay to still be finding your way and its okay to be different.

So yea, I don’t want to be vulnerable, but I will be, because I know that my vulnerability allows me address issues that someone needs to hear.

In the quest to protect yourself from getting hurt, remember why you started. Remember why you do the things you do. In an age were “self care” is becoming all everyone is concerned about, remember that the gifts you have and your experiences are not for you to keep to yourself, you don’t profit anything from them unless you share them.

Finally, while I was still thinking about this vulnerability issue, I remembered, that Jesus could have decided not to go through the humiliation and pain of the cross, but He didn’t, He let himself become vulnerable, so I could be saved. Now, I don’t plan on letting anyone crucify me, lol, (and I will be using wisdom, :p) but if by sharing my experiences someone gets encouraged I’ll do it, for that one person I’ll share those experiences. 🙂

Jamie Carter

April 10, 2017 at 8:48 pm

I’ve been told that trust is building a bridge into the air and being vulnerable is hoping beyond hope that somebody else is building the other side in order to establish a safe and sound connection. But it seems that my bridge has been so thoroughly shattered, blown up, sabotaged, and in all other ways destroyed time and time again; I lack the emotional energy to put myself through it all again. If I don’t build my bridge, my hard work won’t be put to waste when it’s damaged yet again. Granted, I don’t really have anything left with which to build.

Shay
April 11, 2017 at 7:59 am

This is something that resonates in me, something I have struggled with and still struggle with. But at the end of the day, call me hopeful and naive, a part of me still wants to build with the hope that maybe this time, someone will be on the other side. and this bridge will stand.

Telsumbini
December 25, 2017 at 6:03 am

This also hits home in my heart. In the process of protecting myself from vulnerability, I in fact burnt down my own bridges. But I couldn’t do a complete job because I met some people and had some experiences that made me understand that EVERYONE is a victim of even the tiniest circumstances; where they grew up, how, with whom, they were abused, they were neglected, they were over pampered, they were taught differently, AND IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT.

Here’s what I’m saying: I understood that people don’t set out intending to not be there to connect with you. And if they do, if you give and build so much and they don’t see the need to give you back, they probably don’t know how. It just might be that people who you expected to respond to you are unable to because of the same reasons as you, so they shut themselves out, AND IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

So keep building those bridges. It just might be that they will be shattered and in the process of repairing or rebuilding, someone might be at the bottom where you are repairing or rebuilding!

I’ve met some people at this bottom and we’ve built together!