Wandering Thoughts

Because sometimes hiding behind a pen and paper is the only way we can express our true thoughts and feelings


August 2016

When Love isn’t Enough (II)

imageI’ve always been a strong believer of love. For that reason, writing this is probably going to be tricky and hard.
You see, in my head it has always been as simple as 1 plus 1. If you love someone, then being with, and staying with the person shouldn’t be an issue!
Lol, I still believe it to be honest, but the other day, I had a conversation with a friend of mine, and she said something that had me re-evaluating the way I see love in relationships…
She told me (I paraphrase) that even though she loves her significant other, and can’t imagine living without him, she cannot ignore the other things about him. Things ,that if she decides to be with him forever, she would have to deal with regularly.
This got me thinking. A lot of the tine, we think that love is all it takes. However, people who love each other still somehow manage to cheat on each other. They still somehow manage to be abusive, violent and so many other things. You might argue that those sort of people never loved their significant other’s in the first place, but I’m pretty sure most of them genuinely felt love for their spouses/significant other’s.
The thing about love is, it usually shows up as a feeling, and feelings and emotions can be flighty. One day they are there, the next they aren’t. They aren’t the most dependable of things.
What happens when you don’t feel like you love the person?
But more than that, what happens when love isn’t enough? What happens when you don’t believe in the same fundamental things? When you don’t have the same vision in life. The same heart?

For example. Maybe Miss W is in love with Mr T, and while Mr T has a heart for mission work, Miss W cannot and will not entertain the thought of living anywhere but (insert whatever country you please)? Or maybe that’s too spiritual , what if Miss W has a heart for people and just wants to spend her time and when she can her money with and on the less privileged, but Mr T is not a people person, and honestly he has a heart to succeed and be happy in life without spending his money on the less privileged ?
There’s nothing wrong with what Mr T or Miss W wants from life, but the thing is, if you decide to spend your future with someone, then you want someone who you can share your goals with. Someone who you can have a conversation with about the things that burden your heart and you get more than just words of consolation from. You want someone who will not only understand, but also empathise with you and will be able to actually go on the journey with you, with gladness and joy.
Sometimes love has to be removed from the picture for things to be clear
You have to see the person as they truly are, with all they posses and lack, with all they believe and don’t believe, and sometimes love makes it hard to see those things.

In addition to that, before deciding that you want to be with so and so, think about the things said person does that tend to annoy you. Can you live with those things? Cause chances are he/she won’t be changing anytime soon. Chances are as well, that when you commit to each other, you’ll find more things that will annoy you. I mean, you can go into life with rose coloured glasses, only to rudely have them stripped from you, or you can go into life with your eyes wide open, understanding that things won’t always be rosy. I prefer the latter.
Yes, love does cover a multitude of sin, but it won’t stop life from happening. It won’t make it hurt less, in fact sometimes it hurts more because of it.

Now I don’t claim that you must do as I’ve said to have a successful relationship, but there is joy found in having a partner who not only understands you, but takes joy in what you do and is proud of your work. A partner who not only loves you unconditionally, but is committed to you. It makes things that much more enjoyable.


When Love Isn’t Enough

imageSo love and relationships seems to be a theme for me this summer. It seems like that’s something that doesn’t want to let me be, and so here I am, writing about it a second time.
I’ve come to realise that a lot of the time love isn’t enough. Why? I really don’t know.
Relationships are work, they don’t just happen, and sometimes even when love is involved, they don’t work.
Sometimes it’s just too much stress,  sometimes there are too many differences, sometimes past mistakes, choices, etc come into play and makes something that should be pure and simple, complicated.
Love isn’t enough when you dream differently, it isn’t enough when you give up easily. It’s like when you’re in secondary school, and you feel like you’re the smartest kid out there, only to get to uni… and you realise maybe you weren’t as smart as you thought and maybe, just maybe you kinda need to work hard now! At that point in time you have two choices. You can put in the effort and work, or you can say it’s too hard and flunk!
Love isn’t enough when you’re in love with the idea of being loved. When you’re more concerned with being loved than loving. Love isn’t enough when you fail to talk. It isn’t enough when you assume.
The more I sit and think, the more I realise that you can’t base your relationship solely on love. Because as much as I can be hopelessly Romantic, I can also be very practical. And like Adekunle Gold wrote in his song, “No be love we go chop”
Love is important, oh so important, but when things like trust, loyalty, compatibility and respect are missing, then when the feeling of love disappears, it becomes difficult to see why you started in the first place.
Love isn’t always enough. A lot of the time you have to fight for it, and even after fighting for it you have to constantly apply it. You can’t live in the honeymoon phase forever, and at some point in time, when reality sets in, and the feeling starts to ebb away, if you don’t know why you’re in it and if you don’t have the backing of other things, it’s very easy to give up.

So, no, this isn’t a handbook to getting it right. I haven’t figured it all out. I’m just here giving my two cents on love. Before you commit to someone, you have to know why you’re in it. Honestly and truthfully. You have to be true to yourself, your life, and your future. Relationships should have an end goal. And before you step into one, you have to consider the end goal, because sometimes… Love isn’t always enough.

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