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Wandering Thoughts

Because sometimes hiding behind a pen and paper is the only way we can express our true thoughts and feelings

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relationships

Inner Compass, What am I Even Doing!?

 

A few months ago, a friend asked me to do something. I won’t lie, I had my reservations about taking it on. I am generally a cautious person, and I tend to overthink things, so when I faced this dilemma, I told myself I was overdoing it.
I went on to do this thing, and for a while, things were going alright. I was able to manage stuff and keep everyone happy. However, as I kept on doing said thing, I began to struggle. Long story short, I became overwhelmed, stressed and unhappy and had to put an end to things. shaking my head

You can probably guess where I am going with this. If I had listened to my inner compass, I would have saved myself a few months of stress and anxiety. But did I? Nope, I decided to push away the one thing that usually keeps me out of trouble because I wanted to prove a point (or something like that).
So here is the thing. We all have an inner compass. Some people call it intuition, but to me, it’s the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is my compass. When I don’t have peace about something, it’s usually the Holy Spirit telling me I have no business getting involved with it. Whether you refer to your inner compass as intuition or the Holy Spirit doesn’t change the fact that there is something on your inside that tells you what to do and tells you when you are on the right side of things.
The world we live in is full of voices striving for our attention and if you do not know what your inner voice sounds like you will listen to the voice of everyone but yourself.
know yourselfDon’t let anyone sway you. If you know for a fact that you cannot do something, or you do not think a particular task is in your best interest, then take a step back, because here are the facts, most times people do not know you as well as you know yourself.

We often talk about discovering ourselves and finding our paths in life. To me, the first step in achieving this is learning to hear and listen to your inner compass. It genuinely saves you from a lot of mistakes, stress, anxiety and the likes. And often when we don’t know what we are doing, or how to handle a particular situation, our inner compass acts as a guide.
The truth is, I haven’t always listened to my inner compass and nine out of ten times I find myself looking back and seeing all the signs I saw but dismissed. I look back and remember all the times I heard in my spirit that I should have followed a different path, and I’m like, “but you know if you had listened you wouldn’t be here right now”.

Remember, you are the driver, they are the passengers. Even if they sit up front with you, they are still passengers, and you get to decide who you listen to on this journey of life.

It isn’t always easy to listen to and follow the inner voice in us, but it is necessary. Learn to tune out the world and pay attention to yourself. To your mind and your heart. You are the main character in your life, don’t give the lead to someone who doesn’t deserve it or knows the story as well as you do. check yourself
Finally, if you are ever in doubt, or not sure your inner compass is making sense, talk to a mentor, a friend, or someone who knows you and someone you trust. Chances are if you are on the right track they will point you in the right direction.
Remember, you are the driver, they are the passengers. Even if they sit up front with you, they are still passengers, and you get to decide who you listen to on this journey of life.

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Random Thoughts on Abuse and Society

So today, I want to talk briefly about abuse in relationships. nervousTo be honest, I do not know where to begin. So I am pretty much going to do a word vomit and hope for the best.
Recently, I have been in contact with people, young women and girls, who have been victims of physical and emotional abuse. And every time I hear one of these stories, my heart breaks a little because no one deserves to be raped, assaulted or abused by anyone.
Whenever I hear these stories, there is usually one thing that stands out in all of them. A sense of entitlement and a lack of respect. These are two things, in my opinion, that causes people to treat other humans as objects and not people.

No matter who you are, you aren’t that important and turning to violence because you don’t get what you want doesn’t make you a “bigger, better or stronger” person.

I have never understood people who felt entitled to other people. idgiPeople who think that because they are in a relationship with someone they by default own the person.
It baffles me how some men can say, “If you do not date me, you can’t date anyone else” and then proceed to become physical if the person doesn’t agree.
It is easy to say, “Oh the person has a history of violence”, or find some excuse to justify the persons’ actions, but the truth is, those are just excuses used to protect abusive people.
In my opinion, the root of the problem lies in a society that teaches people to “get what they want at all costs”. A society that doesn’t teach us to respect people, especially women. And at the end of the day, we have men (and women) who think their mere existence is a blessing, and everyone should fall at their feet in awe and wonder. However, the truth is no matter who you are, you aren’t that important and turning to violence because you do not get what you want doesn’t make you a “bigger, better or stronger” person. It just makes you immature and petty.I said that
The way society is set up we unconsciously train young men to view women as secondary to men. Sometimes, it appears that women are prizes to be “won”. Maybe it is because men pay obscene amounts in bride price, or spend so much while wooing a woman. Whatever the reason is, it breeds a mindset of unhealthy ownership which often spirals into abuse.
To my way of thinking, if you say you “own” a human, then that makes you a slave owner. You don’t get a woman as a prize for all your hard work. You also don’t get a woman to be your slave. That’s not what a relationship is.
Long and short of the story is this. Abuse is a horrible thing for anyone to go through. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, abuse is horrible. However, it is very prevalent in our society and we, need to speak up about it. The time of enduring it in silence is past. Now is the time to speak up and to make a difference.

I know this is a different post from what I usually write, but I would love to hear back from you. Please comment, like and share. Also, if you want to share your story or experience, feel free to email me at shaybolanta@gmail.com

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From the archives

 

So today’s post is something I actually wrote last year. I lowkey feel like I’ve shared this before, but lol. Nothing wrong with sharing twice!happy gif

 


I remember how I used to pride myself in being this bad ass girl that never cried.

I told myself over and over again that I wouldn’t cry. It was like a mantra I repeated to myself ever so often. So no matter how hurt I was, I hardly ever cried. Nothing could faze me.

The few times I did cry, were times when I was extremely pissed off, and since I had also told myself I would work on my then explosive temper, crying was the only other option.

That was then… About two months ago, all that changed. Imagine my surprise and astonishment when all of a sudden, I started crying almost every day. The first time it happened, I blamed “mother nature” but the next few times, she wasn’t there to blame, and I was left trying to figure out what in the world was going on!

I started asking myself if I was okay, started questioning my mental and emotional health! Lol, I remember one Sunday morning, where I cried for most of the service! I’m sure everyone thought I was under the influence of the Holy Spirit, Lol! crying gif.gifThe truth of the matter though was, I was hurting and all I could do at that point in time was cry.

I started losing weight, and I became quieter than I usually was. I avoided conversations and unless it was work related, or my family I avoided people too.

After a lot of searching within myself, I finally accepted the fact I was just really hurt and needed to allow myself deal with and process the hurt. Now, that isn’t some story about how overnight I became better, or how I discovered the key to getting over hurt, far from it. I mean I did learn things during that time, but that isn’t what today is about.

Now, that isn’t some story about how overnight I became better, or how I discovered the key to getting over hurt, far from it.

I mean, I did learn things during that time, the most important being that it is important you allow yourself grieve when things happen. Brushing it under the carpet doesn’t and will not fix anything, cause when you lift up the carpet, everything will be right where you left it.

It hurts to hurt, but feeling the hurt, in my opinion, is a sign that you are human, that you are alive; and where there is life, there is hope.  But I digress!

Often, we look at people, and they are all smiles, but inside they are hurting. Other times, people seemingly “disappear”, they go AWOL, and we are left wondering why… when this happens, don’t be too quick to judge them.

Everyone is different, and everyone handles pain differently.

Don’t be too quick to say “this person doesn’t even care.” It could be that they are hurting and just need a little time and a heap loads of love.

Everyone is different, and we all deal with things differently. It is so important to be nice to people, you don’t see how your actions affect them. Sometimes a smile is all a person needs to feel better about themselves and their situation. Simple things like text messages go a long way. Allow your actions speak. Not everytime only saying “I love you” sometimes (most times actually) show it. loved

Learn about the people you meet, learn to give people the benefit of the doubt. Some people need patience, lots of it, while others don’t. Some people need time, and others will pour out their hearts to you the minute they meet you.

Be sensitive, be nice, don’t be so quick to write people off. Be careful with your words and actions, because some things you do might leave lifelong scars on others.

And finally, when things happen, and you feel broken, there’s nothing wrong in taking the time out to heal.

Having said that, if anyone reading today’s post needs a listening ear at any time, you can reach out to me. Email: shaybolanta@gmail.com. Twitter and IG:  shayrunn and Facebook: Sharon Bolanta

 

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Relationship Bants (Part 1)

So apparently today I’m posting about relationships. dance gif

When I was younger, I told myself I’d have one boyfriend. We would date for like 5-10 years and then get married.

5-10 years, because I’d meet him in secondary school (obviously I’d have to finish university and all that) then we’d have one of those high school happily ever after love stories! Boy was I in for a shock!

Lol, but I’m getting ahead of myself. So, because of this idea, I was very careful about the guys in my life.

check

Whenever I met a guy and I thought he was cute, I’d start going through my mental checklist. Christian. Check. Genotype. Check. Tribe. Check. Complexion. Check, Age. Check. Surname. Check (as per his surname had to rhyme with my first uno!)

Any guy that fitted my list would then be considered. Ah, I couldn’t make any mistakes in the process, and I felt a list would be fail-proof!

Now, let’s just ignore the fact that I was young and naive and didn’t even know what I deserved from a man.

Let’s also ignore the fact that whenever I thought a guy was potential bae, I would move things around on the list and take it to God like “You know he’s good for me yea?”. As if I was trying to convince God that my choice, even though I knew it was flawed would suddenly become great if I could just sell the idea to God! Lol. Anyways, long story short, my high school fairy tale did not happen.

lol

(I’m sure you can guess some of the reason why).

At some point in my life, I would have been upset by all the “almost” or “didn’t work out” relationships I’ve had in my life (calm down, they aren’t that many), but honestly, I’m not anymore.

I wasn’t ready then to be in a relationship, and I didn’t know it. I felt like I could make it work with whomever, as long as I loved the person. I ignored things like, what if the person didn’t have the same end goal as me? Or the same principles? Or the same beliefs?

I also ignored the fact that I was a highly emotional woman who ran away from conflicts, couldn’t say no to anyone, was a horrible people pleaser and did not think highly of herself at all! This meant that I attracted all sorts of people and I always felt like I deserved what I got. I also felt like I could be the “messiah” lol! As per, if the guy is a drunkard or a druggie or a cheat, I can save him from all that.

lmao

Some good loving and prayers should do the trick! Lol

I’m sure you all get the gist! But here’s the thing I want to point out.

Being in a committed relationship is more than a pretty face and a sexy body. It’s more than checklists and criteria’s. It shouldn’t be entered with idealism.

There is nothing wrong in being single, and there is nothing wrong in not being ready for a relationship. If you’re not ready, it’s really not a big deal, lol just sit down and relax. Work on yourself so when the right man or woman comes along, you can be the person he/she deserves. Don’t mess around with someone because you want to fit in.

Relationships are not overrated, but at the same time, you don’t need a relationship to be complete.

Now, all this plenty talk I’m doing stems from the fact that we tend to think maturity is directly related to age, but it really isn’t! You can be as old as you want and still not be ready or mature enough for a relationship. Your readiness is not determined by your age! Some people are ready at 18 others at 25 others at 35.

Don’t shout for love and relationship until you’re ready for it. It really isn’t worth the heartache and pain. Work on yourself, enjoy your singleness, enjoy getting to know yourself! It helps the process!single

And as to how you know you’re ready, well that post is for another day!

(P.s Before ya’ll start commenting, I’ve had and still have some pretty amazing guys in my life.) 

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Boys Don’t Cry

Hello beautiful people ♥️

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First of all, a massive Father’s Day shoutout to all the Fathers out there!

So today, I have something a little different for you.

Today I’d like you to meet Leo Owan. Leo is an amazing multitalented young man, He’s an awesome writer(amongst other things) his articles and written pieces are always thought provoking, (you can read one of them here.) That’s not all though, he’s a dope singer and has an Ah-Ma-Zing voice! (I kid you not!)

Today he released a single “Boys Don’t Cry” check it out below and thank me later ♥️

To you, for all I did to make you cry and leave.
For me, for all the time you said “Man up, boys don’t cry”
When you left, I didn’t cry..
Now I want to open up..

_
Listen to my new sound guys “Boys Don’t Cry”
Bless up!

Love, Care and Friendship

Often, when I write, I write from personal experience or from personal observations I’ve made. This doesn’t mean that when I’m not writing I’m not observing or experiencing though! lol 🙂

So, why did I start with that?

I was thinking to myself today about how “no one” (I don’t mean this literally) has buzzed me in a bit. I was mulling the idea around in my head and I came to the conclusion that everyone most likely thinks I am busy or something like that. Which although is true, is not an excuse for them or me either tbh.

I have learnt in my short time on this earth, that often when people withdraw, stop talking as often as they used to, or become “busy” there is usually a reason.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-28944-1377268709-20
Meredith Grey and Christina Yang, cause I learnt so much from their relationship! ❤

It’s either someone got tired of being the only one putting effort into the relationship, something is going on in their personal life health or otherwise, some sort of offense occurred, or they are actually busy and at those times hearing from loved ones can be very therapeutic.

Human beings are selfish by nature. We only want to do what is best for us. We only want to take care of ourselves. We want person A to do so and so for us, but we aren’t ready to do anything in return. We are lazy when it comes to others but hardworking when it comes to ourselves. It shouldn’t be that way. I mean, yes, you should take care of yourself, but at the same time, you should take care of the people in your life. The people who surround you.

friendsWe are often reminded to be the friends we want to have. This means, if you want a friend that checks up on you often, then check up on your friends often. If you want a friend that takes you out then take your friends out. If you want a friend that sacrifices for you, then be ready to make sacrifices for your friends.

Call your friends more. If you don’t hear from someone stop thinking “if the person wanted to talk he/she would call” you don’t know where the person is in his/her life. Do nice things without expecting something in return. Be the friend you want to have. Fight the selfish nature in you. Love without reservations. Yes, not everyone will reciprocate to the same extent, but 1) that shouldn’t stop you and 2) that shouldn’t make you turn nonchalant to those that actually need you.

At the end of the day, I guess the take home message is, don’t get too comfortable with your friends and loved ones. Don’t get so comfortable that you take them for granted. remember that they too are human. We are called to love, the sooner we realise this, the better.

Thank you so much for reading today’s post! I hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to comment and share!

Photo credit: Google lol

 

It’s Valentine’s Day in a bit…

Tomorrow is valentine’s day ❤

true-love-couple-in-love-1920x1200-wide-wallpapers-net

I am currently listening to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. For anyone who is a Grey’s Anatomy fan, ya’ll know that song just gets you all up in your feelings. You don’t even need to be thinking of anything deep, it just happens! lol,

Anyways, this isn’t going to be a long post, not at all, because I don’t really have that much to say. Love is a beautiful gift and should be treated as such. I don’t just mean romantic love, I mean love in every way.

Ask the woman who just lost her husband, or the man who just lost his wife. They’ll both tell you that time is never enough. They’ll tell you they wish they could spend some more time with their spouse, even if they’d been together for years. The same goes for the man who lost his mother, or the woman who lost her father, or anyone who has lost a loved one. They’ll always tell you that time is never enough.

You can never tell what will happen tomorrow. Don’t take for granted the love you have today. If you love someone! It’s been said so many times,  tell the person. Don’t hold back on loving the people in your life. Don’t be worried about coming across as too emotional or too needy. There’s nothing wrong in showing love and saying the words. Because you don’t know… it might be your last time and even if it isn’t, what do you gain from holding back? Like Alfred Lord Tennyson said ” Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

So it’s valentines day tomorrow. Kudos to those who show their loved ones love every day, doesn’t mean you can’t do something special! To those that don’t, let tomorrow be a reminder for you. Tell your mum, your dad, your friends, the people you love, that you love them. Show them love when you can, as often a you can. Don’t leave any room for regrets. Like I say, life is already a pot of beans. You don’t need to make it worse by adding regrets.

Happy Valentines Day

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Almost New Things…

so-cool-random-22921826-500-333Happy 2017 everyone! So, it’s probably a bit late for that, but better late than never right?

Okay, well, this isn’t really an article, it’s more of an update.

I have been quiet for the last month, not because I’m done with blogging, but because I’ve been trying to put some things together to make my blog a bit more “exciting”.

So please bear with me guys!

Having said that, I will be featuring people on my blog this year, so If you are a writer, or you know any great writers please feel free to leave me a message.  You can contact me at shaybolanta@gmail.com, I look forward to hearing from you all 🙂

Before I go, I do want to share something I’m learning. We are all humans with feelings and emotions. We are different people, who think differently, act differently, and respond differently. Sometimes, we forget this, and have unrealistic expectations for the people we call friends and loved ones. Why is this bad? It’s bad because they will never be able to meet those expectations and you will constantly get hurt because of those expectations. Take it from someone who grew up living a life full of expectations, it sucks.

So what’s the take home message? Cut people some slack every once in a while. Put yourself in their shoes; they may be trying their very best and that you can’t see that probably hurts them more than you know. So give your your friends and loved ones a break ever so often. You wouldn’t want to have to constantly live up to the unrealistic expectations of people all the time, so don’t make others have to do that for you!

Until next time guys!

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You can follow me on IG and twitter @shayrunn

 

 

When Love isn’t Enough (II)

imageI’ve always been a strong believer of love. For that reason, writing this is probably going to be tricky and hard.
You see, in my head it has always been as simple as 1 plus 1. If you love someone, then being with, and staying with the person shouldn’t be an issue!
Lol, I still believe it to be honest, but the other day, I had a conversation with a friend of mine, and she said something that had me re-evaluating the way I see love in relationships…
She told me (I paraphrase) that even though she loves her significant other, and can’t imagine living without him, she cannot ignore the other things about him. Things ,that if she decides to be with him forever, she would have to deal with regularly.
This got me thinking. A lot of the tine, we think that love is all it takes. However, people who love each other still somehow manage to cheat on each other. They still somehow manage to be abusive, violent and so many other things. You might argue that those sort of people never loved their significant other’s in the first place, but I’m pretty sure most of them genuinely felt love for their spouses/significant other’s.
The thing about love is, it usually shows up as a feeling, and feelings and emotions can be flighty. One day they are there, the next they aren’t. They aren’t the most dependable of things.
What happens when you don’t feel like you love the person?
But more than that, what happens when love isn’t enough? What happens when you don’t believe in the same fundamental things? When you don’t have the same vision in life. The same heart?

For example. Maybe Miss W is in love with Mr T, and while Mr T has a heart for mission work, Miss W cannot and will not entertain the thought of living anywhere but (insert whatever country you please)? Or maybe that’s too spiritual , what if Miss W has a heart for people and just wants to spend her time and when she can her money with and on the less privileged, but Mr T is not a people person, and honestly he has a heart to succeed and be happy in life without spending his money on the less privileged ?
There’s nothing wrong with what Mr T or Miss W wants from life, but the thing is, if you decide to spend your future with someone, then you want someone who you can share your goals with. Someone who you can have a conversation with about the things that burden your heart and you get more than just words of consolation from. You want someone who will not only understand, but also empathise with you and will be able to actually go on the journey with you, with gladness and joy.
Sometimes love has to be removed from the picture for things to be clear
You have to see the person as they truly are, with all they posses and lack, with all they believe and don’t believe, and sometimes love makes it hard to see those things.

In addition to that, before deciding that you want to be with so and so, think about the things said person does that tend to annoy you. Can you live with those things? Cause chances are he/she won’t be changing anytime soon. Chances are as well, that when you commit to each other, you’ll find more things that will annoy you. I mean, you can go into life with rose coloured glasses, only to rudely have them stripped from you, or you can go into life with your eyes wide open, understanding that things won’t always be rosy. I prefer the latter.
Yes, love does cover a multitude of sin, but it won’t stop life from happening. It won’t make it hurt less, in fact sometimes it hurts more because of it.

Now I don’t claim that you must do as I’ve said to have a successful relationship, but there is joy found in having a partner who not only understands you, but takes joy in what you do and is proud of your work. A partner who not only loves you unconditionally, but is committed to you. It makes things that much more enjoyable.

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