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Wandering Thoughts

Because sometimes hiding behind a pen and paper is the only way we can express our true thoughts and feelings

Month

February 2017

I Want to Quit

quititng-timeI want to quit.

Every month, I want to quit. When I think of all the responsibilities I have, all the things I need to do. The things I want to do but for some reason or the other cant. I want to quit. The worst part of those moments is, it’s at that time when I’m fighting tears that someone will proceed to remind me that I said I’d do so and so for them, thus making my list even longer.

It’s hard, I’m not even going to lie. So what keeps me from quitting? To be honest I have no idea. When I was an undergrad, the main thing that kept me going was my parents. I needed to make them proud. They couldn’t just spend all that money and then I wouldn’t have anything to show for it. I would often think of all the people praying for me to do well, and I would push myself because I needed to make them proud.

The difference between then and now is, I don’t feel like I have to make them proud of me. I know they are proud of me. So I don’t feel the need to try and earn it.

So as I’m writing this, I’m asking myself, “why don’t you quit?”

Well, I guess there are three main reasons. The first being that since I was a child, verses like Jeremiah 29:11 and Jeremiah 1:5 had been sung in my ears reminding me of Gods plans for me. And in recent times, Isaiah 55:11 has become a gentle reminder. Now, before you think I’m so spiritual or Holy, let me tell you that when I want to quit, I don’t actively remind myself. It’s not even like I want to remind myself, but my subconscious mind knows that God has said certain things about me and therefore those things have to happen, whether or not they feel like they will.

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In addition to that, I wouldn’t be able to live with the knowledge that I didn’t try my very best. I couldn’t live with the fact that I gave up simply because things got hard. Call it pride or whatever you will, but it keeps me going and that is good enough for me. I mean, how can I just say I quit, just like that? Without any reason? Nah, I’m not that person. If I didn’t love it all, maybe it would be an option, but I do, so it isn’t.

 

This will probably sound like a silly reason, but a part of me has a point to prove. People have always found fault in me and the way I live my life, surprise surprise, I’m human! And at the end of the day, a part of me refuses to give up because fam, I don’t want being a quitter to be added to my many lists of “flaws”. There are people that I have a point to prove to. People who have in the past made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. They aren’t aware of it, and that’s fine, but I want to pull a Joseph on them, become a great person irrespective of everything life throws at me and everything they have said to/about me.

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So yea, at the end of the day, I keep going. I don’t quit. If I quit, then it means I don’t trust God to complete what He has started, and at this point in my life, that isn’t and will never be an option.

We all want to quit at some point or the other, but you know what, quitting won’t solve the problem, cause chances are you’ll quit and end up in something more difficult. I’d rather try and fail than quit half way through.

I would love to hear your thoughts and what keeps you from quitting.

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A Fine Line

carefulAs a person, I am all for intentions. What does that mean? It means I’m all for finding out why a person did something and taking that into consideration before making up my mind about something/someone. This is especially important to me because I have often done things with the best of intentions only to have them misunderstood and flung in my face as wrong, evil, thoughtless, etc.

For this reason, I think and over think and over think before I do anything. Not the best approach but it works for me. I think of all the possible scenarios that could happen and the best ways to combat them.

Now, in as much as I advocate for intentions, good intentions don’t always mean right actions. That you had good intentions doesn’t mean the call you made was right or necessary. Often, in the spur of the moment, when emotions are high, adrenaline is rushing, we feel like we are trapped. We feel like the one option that crosses our mind is the only option and irrespective of the situation, ( i.e. buying that extra drink, following that guy home, popping that pill, telling that “white lie”), things we wouldn’t normally do become “I didn’t have a choice” and I didn’t want to,  situations.

There is a fine line between having the right intentions and doing the right thing. For you to have good intentions and do the right thing, you need to force yourself to pause and think before you act. This is extremely hard when emotions are high. But, it is so worth it.

I used to have a track record for saying things that got me into trouble. I remember once, I  made a statement to the people around me. In my head, it wasn’t careless, I had the best intentions. I needed to pass across a message and I didn’t think the way I said it was wrong. But, boy was I wrong. My way upset some of the people that were there, and unfortunately they were older than me. Long story short, I decided there and then that I wouldn’t do anything without thinking and thinking and thinking it through. I decided not to make serious decisions when happy, excited, or have any sort of extreme emotion flooding my system.  Why? Because when push comes to shove, very few people care about the fact that you didn’t mean any harm. They don’t care about the fact that we all think differently and what might be fine to you may be the opposite to them and vice versa.

So yea, there is a fine line between good intentions and good actions. Sometimes they mean the same thing, other times they don’t. However, when you are about to make any decision, especially one that involves people, take a minute and pause. Think about it for a second. Is it really necessary? Are there other ways that are less likely to offend or hurt someone? If there are, then maybe consider changing your actions. Because, good intentions mean nothing if they cost someone a job, a life, a loved one, peace of mind etc.

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Don’t Step Into This Room

Written by Ruth Umez

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Don’t step into this room

There’s lots of broken glass, shattered windows, barbed wires and electric fences

You might get hurt

You might step on broken jars of trust

So I’ve daily placed this big sign

“DONT DARE COME HERE”

 

But if you push a little, you’ll find the doors are open

Cause silently everyday I hang that sign there’s a tiny prayer‎ beneath

That someone would dare open that door

Dare the broken glass and reach out

‎I sat everyday in that room, waiting

 

And just when I was at breaking point, accepting this dungeon as my fate

You came in and stretched out Your hand

Suspicious, I asked “why?”

And You said “Cause You love me”

Ha! Nice line but I’ve learnt too much to fall for that now

But I looked into Your eyes and saw truth, I saw every part of me in Your eyes

And I knew somehow You’ve never kept Your eyes off me

With shaky arms and closed eyes I stretch out my hand too

 

But this hole has been home for so long

How can I leave, how will I fit in?

Won’t the badge of slavery be seen everywhere I go?

Then my fears drowned when I saw You weaving something out of barbed wire

You‎ made a crown for Your head out of the thorns which had confined me for years

So You could show me and anyone who would try to argue or contend my freedom

 

I rushed to ‎Your feet,

Blood dripping from Your head to my back

I didn’t understand why but You made it clear that You considered me worth it

But sometimes I fear, scared I might not be worth the rescue

I turn and see You as my Rearward

When I think of tomorrow I see You as my Fore-guard

You have become my future, my reality, my purpose

 

This all encompassing, drowning love of Yours

Makes me lay my whole being, my whole labour and assets at the feet of the One who wasn’t scared of pulling off the piles of filth that suffocated me

The One who didn’t break this bruised reed and didn’t quench this smoking flax

And I’m willing to let You go through the dark alleys of my heart

To all the cupboards of pain and shame

To piles of stinking self-pride and condemnation

Willing to let You clean it all,

To snatch away these baggage I’ve guarded so well

 

So Lord Jesus please come into my heart and see everything I’ve become

I no longer withhold and hide from You in shame

I know You heal,revive crushed spirits and restore the broken-hearted

Jesus come into my heart again, come into my everyday and every moment

You’re the Owner of my spirit, be the Owner of my mind, belly, desires, and emotions

And I’m willing to drown and lose who I am in You.

Thank you for reading today’s post! I hope you enjoyed it!

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It’s Valentine’s Day in a bit…

Tomorrow is valentine’s day ❤

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I am currently listening to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. For anyone who is a Grey’s Anatomy fan, ya’ll know that song just gets you all up in your feelings. You don’t even need to be thinking of anything deep, it just happens! lol,

Anyways, this isn’t going to be a long post, not at all, because I don’t really have that much to say. Love is a beautiful gift and should be treated as such. I don’t just mean romantic love, I mean love in every way.

Ask the woman who just lost her husband, or the man who just lost his wife. They’ll both tell you that time is never enough. They’ll tell you they wish they could spend some more time with their spouse, even if they’d been together for years. The same goes for the man who lost his mother, or the woman who lost her father, or anyone who has lost a loved one. They’ll always tell you that time is never enough.

You can never tell what will happen tomorrow. Don’t take for granted the love you have today. If you love someone! It’s been said so many times,  tell the person. Don’t hold back on loving the people in your life. Don’t be worried about coming across as too emotional or too needy. There’s nothing wrong in showing love and saying the words. Because you don’t know… it might be your last time and even if it isn’t, what do you gain from holding back? Like Alfred Lord Tennyson said ” Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

So it’s valentines day tomorrow. Kudos to those who show their loved ones love every day, doesn’t mean you can’t do something special! To those that don’t, let tomorrow be a reminder for you. Tell your mum, your dad, your friends, the people you love, that you love them. Show them love when you can, as often a you can. Don’t leave any room for regrets. Like I say, life is already a pot of beans. You don’t need to make it worse by adding regrets.

Happy Valentines Day

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Almost New Things…

so-cool-random-22921826-500-333Happy 2017 everyone! So, it’s probably a bit late for that, but better late than never right?

Okay, well, this isn’t really an article, it’s more of an update.

I have been quiet for the last month, not because I’m done with blogging, but because I’ve been trying to put some things together to make my blog a bit more “exciting”.

So please bear with me guys!

Having said that, I will be featuring people on my blog this year, so If you are a writer, or you know any great writers please feel free to leave me a message.  You can contact me at shaybolanta@gmail.com, I look forward to hearing from you all 🙂

Before I go, I do want to share something I’m learning. We are all humans with feelings and emotions. We are different people, who think differently, act differently, and respond differently. Sometimes, we forget this, and have unrealistic expectations for the people we call friends and loved ones. Why is this bad? It’s bad because they will never be able to meet those expectations and you will constantly get hurt because of those expectations. Take it from someone who grew up living a life full of expectations, it sucks.

So what’s the take home message? Cut people some slack every once in a while. Put yourself in their shoes; they may be trying their very best and that you can’t see that probably hurts them more than you know. So give your your friends and loved ones a break ever so often. You wouldn’t want to have to constantly live up to the unrealistic expectations of people all the time, so don’t make others have to do that for you!

Until next time guys!

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