Wandering Thoughts

Because sometimes hiding behind a pen and paper is the only way we can express our true thoughts and feelings


September 2015

Birthday Time!!


Okay, so lets start from somewhere. Generally I feel like my posts have to be long and poetic and reveal some deep hidden truth about life! lol.. but I was thinking the other day and I realised that my blog is called “Random thoughts of Shazzy B!” and as such my posts don’t need to be anything but my random thoughts :)! That, my friends was like a cool breeze on a hot day to me!

Anyway’s, to today’s post!


The month of September has been full of birthday’s for me, almost everyday I find myself telling one friend or the other Happy Birthday.. I find myself praying for them and wishing them the best. And yo! That’s a good thing! People need to be appreciated!

However, believe it or not, I started to get jealous! *covers face* I started to feel neglected and unloved, lol ’cause everyone was giving all these long speeches about ‘how amazing person A is’ or ‘how person B has blessed their lives’ and so on. But you see my birthday isn’t until December, so no one is going to say I’m amazing or awesome till then! lol (I joke!) 

So I just laid bare my insecurities to you.. why? Because I know there are a lot of people out their, our friends and families, that we neglect to show just how much we love simply because we are comfortable with them. I remember the first time (in my adult life)  my dad told me he loved me.. it really felt weird hearing it from him (till today I don’t know why! lol) but now it gives me butterflies to know that he cares. He’s my dad and I know he loves me even if he doesn’t say it, but hearing him speak those words, well.. lets just say it makes me feel special. So what’s my point? Sometimes, birthday or nah, take a minute to tell the people in your life just how amazing they are! Truth is,they may not be here on their next birthday, truth is, they may be depressed and your appreciation and attention to them may lift their spirits.. truth is, they are human beings just like you, and we were created to be loved and appreciated! So! (I use “so” a lot don’t I? lol) if you haven’t been doing it, start now.. Don’t wait until their birthdays to show them just how much you care or how much they’ve blessed you. do it now, do it as often as you can. My bet is, they’ll appreciate it more than you know!


Your Absence

So its been a while since I last posted.. It isn’t that I haven’t been writing, I actually wrote this much earlier in the year. I was going through an interesting time, and decided to put pen to paper. I figured someone might benefit from the random thoughts I had.

Enjoy 🙂 


Some days I lie in bed and hate you.

Tears running down my face, mind numb, heart cold.

I wish I didn’t love you.. Wish every news about you didn’t break my mending heart.

Wish every message didn’t give me hope just to tear it down

A wave building up to its crescendo rising higher and higher.. My hope.

Soaring like an eagle! Grateful for the new beginning…  Stripped so suddenly.

The end Before the beginning, the sudden crash of the wave

I realize my declaration of love makes me look weak .

But I’ve learnt in the time you’ve been away that vulnerability is power.

To be unafraid of my emotions, to embrace the pain and the hurt.

Holding them so close to me, loving them unconditionally.

Embracing the fear, the shame.. That, that makes me human.. It makes me me.

So yea, I spill it out to you today.. I’ll bleed a little cause its long overdue

The pent up anger has to go, the delusion that maybe if I try hard enough you’ll love me enough to come back…

 Sitting in bed tonight.. Alone and tired, pondering why every good person seems to leave..

Why I cant seem to be happy and excited about life,

I realised it was never bout me..

You stepped into my life.. It was a kairos moment

You opened my eyes to beauty I missed all my life.

You put me on the path to embracing the real me.

Opened my eyes to all the hidden treasures.

But u left, oh so suddenly.. Slammed the door in my face.. Damn, that hurt.

I felt robbed of breath.

Found myself alternating between hot and cold, fire and ice, hate and love.

Sinking, drowning.. My lungs on fire.

I was lost without you.

Gasping for breath.. Looking for my next fix, hoping it would last longer than the last

Hoping after today I wouldn’t be so dependent

Maybe I’ll learn and man up.. Build some muscle.

Swap my emotions for detachment

My love for indifference..

 I laugh now.. Cause that never did happen..

I still love you, still bleed for you, still pray for you.

The journey of self love started with you,

Your outstretched hand pulling me up, catching me when I was about to fall

You brought me back to me first love..

My hiding place, black and white. Ink on paper

Your withdrawal opened my eyes to what was right before me

Stepping back to learn to love the real me

It can never and will never be about the 200 people who know me

Just the most important person, me..

So today.. With this piece.  Written at 00:59 hrs

To the girl who pushed me in the right direction..

Thank you.. I struggle with your absence, it hurts and I still bleed..

But deep down I’ll always love you

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