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Wandering Thoughts

Because sometimes hiding behind a pen and paper is the only way we can express our true thoughts and feelings

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love

Relationship Bants 2

I know ya’ll have been waiting for Relationship Bants 2, well, your wait is now over!Hurray-GIF But before I go into it, can I just say that if you haven’t listened to the cover album on my last post, you really, really need to give it a listen. It is absolutely refreshing and amazing! You can find it here

Alright, so let’s jump into it, shall we?

Today I’m going to be quite brief because I don’t think I have the authority to tell you certain things, such as when you are ready to be in a relationship.

I say this because everyone is different. For example, when I was younger, I was told relationships were not for teenagers in secondary school, however, I know people who started dating in secondary school and 6-7 years later are still going strong. I also know people who waited until they were in college and ended things 3 months later. It’s pretty obvious that that specific grading curve for an individual’s readiness is not accurate. In the same way, everything I say today may or may not be applicable to you, but they are things I would personally consider before I hop into a relationship.

Before I start chatting rubbish, let me try to get my points across. We are all different people with different temperaments, which means we all have different strengths and weaknesses. How we deal with our strengths and weaknesses play a huge role in how ready we are to be in relationships (in my opinion). just

One of the major things, I think, is commitment. Remember that hurt bae video that was trending earlier this year??? The girl asked her boyfriend why he cheated on her, and the man straight up said he wasn’t ready for commitment!

That video struck a chord in me, cause often people say if you love someone you won’t cheat on the person, but fam, I don’t agree with that. I think if you are not ready, or if you don’t want to commit to someone, it becomes easy to do things to hurt the person, not because you are a bad person, but because you are not ready to be in a relationship!

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To me, its really simple, commitment is what keeps you together when things get bumpy or rough. Without it, things easily fall apart. So for me, it’s a big one. If you are not ready to commit then you are definitely not ready to be in a relationship.

Another thing is emotional maturity. This is sometimes hard to gauge, but there are clear markers that I would be on the lookout for. For example, someone who is emotionally abusive,  should not be in a relationship. It’s a big no no, and by emotionally abusive, I mean, if a person regularly makes you feel stupid or not good enough, or if a person is constantly making you feel like you are always wrong and they are always right, or they always play the victim I hate this one so much! or they lack empathy. Those are signs of emotional abuse and show a lack of emotional maturity. For example, Christian Grey from “50 Shades of Grey” lacked emotional maturity and in real life had no business being in a relationship! To be fair to him, he wasn’t really into that stuff until Anastasia, but that’s a story for another day! Anyways, long and short is, if you are not emotionally mature, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

This actually ties in with my next point, which is, if you cannot accept the fact that you are not always right, then fam, again, you have no business being in a relationship. There is no place for pride or self-righteousness in a relationship. You must be able to say you are wrong and you must be able to see reason. sorryI mean, some people (both male and female) like to think they are always right. The can never be wrong. Ah, who died and made you God -_-. You can’t always be right, so sit down and learn to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong”.

The last thing I’ll touch on is communication. This probably seems like an unnecessary addition to the list, but think about it for a minute and you’ll see how necessary it is. I mean, how do you expect to build something meaningful if you can’t talk?  If you can’t communicate how you feel, or what you want, or your hopes and fears,  how do you expect to build and grow?

If you can’t/won’t/don’t want to have honest conversations with your significant other, then  I don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship.

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Trust me, its very hurtful to be in a relationship where one person is unable to communicate, worse when both people cant!

At the end of the day, it’s hard for any one person such as myself to tell you when you are ready to be in a relationship because everyone is different. But relationships require a level of selflessness, levelheadedness and patience (plus all the things I listed above and more). If you don’t posses those things, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. There is nothing wrong in being single until you are ready. It saves the world a whole lot of heartache and pain.

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Relationship Bants (Part 1)

So apparently today I’m posting about relationships. dance gif

When I was younger, I told myself I’d have one boyfriend. We would date for like 5-10 years and then get married.

5-10 years, because I’d meet him in secondary school (obviously I’d have to finish university and all that) then we’d have one of those high school happily ever after love stories! Boy was I in for a shock!

Lol, but I’m getting ahead of myself. So, because of this idea, I was very careful about the guys in my life.

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Whenever I met a guy and I thought he was cute, I’d start going through my mental checklist. Christian. Check. Genotype. Check. Tribe. Check. Complexion. Check, Age. Check. Surname. Check (as per his surname had to rhyme with my first uno!)

Any guy that fitted my list would then be considered. Ah, I couldn’t make any mistakes in the process, and I felt a list would be fail-proof!

Now, let’s just ignore the fact that I was young and naive and didn’t even know what I deserved from a man.

Let’s also ignore the fact that whenever I thought a guy was potential bae, I would move things around on the list and take it to God like “You know he’s good for me yea?”. As if I was trying to convince God that my choice, even though I knew it was flawed would suddenly become great if I could just sell the idea to God! Lol. Anyways, long story short, my high school fairy tale did not happen.

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(I’m sure you can guess some of the reason why).

At some point in my life, I would have been upset by all the “almost” or “didn’t work out” relationships I’ve had in my life (calm down, they aren’t that many), but honestly, I’m not anymore.

I wasn’t ready then to be in a relationship, and I didn’t know it. I felt like I could make it work with whomever, as long as I loved the person. I ignored things like, what if the person didn’t have the same end goal as me? Or the same principles? Or the same beliefs?

I also ignored the fact that I was a highly emotional woman who ran away from conflicts, couldn’t say no to anyone, was a horrible people pleaser and did not think highly of herself at all! This meant that I attracted all sorts of people and I always felt like I deserved what I got. I also felt like I could be the “messiah” lol! As per, if the guy is a drunkard or a druggie or a cheat, I can save him from all that.

lmao

Some good loving and prayers should do the trick! Lol

I’m sure you all get the gist! But here’s the thing I want to point out.

Being in a committed relationship is more than a pretty face and a sexy body. It’s more than checklists and criteria’s. It shouldn’t be entered with idealism.

There is nothing wrong in being single, and there is nothing wrong in not being ready for a relationship. If you’re not ready, it’s really not a big deal, lol just sit down and relax. Work on yourself so when the right man or woman comes along, you can be the person he/she deserves. Don’t mess around with someone because you want to fit in.

Relationships are not overrated, but at the same time, you don’t need a relationship to be complete.

Now, all this plenty talk I’m doing stems from the fact that we tend to think maturity is directly related to age, but it really isn’t! You can be as old as you want and still not be ready or mature enough for a relationship. Your readiness is not determined by your age! Some people are ready at 18 others at 25 others at 35.

Don’t shout for love and relationship until you’re ready for it. It really isn’t worth the heartache and pain. Work on yourself, enjoy your singleness, enjoy getting to know yourself! It helps the process!single

And as to how you know you’re ready, well that post is for another day!

(P.s Before ya’ll start commenting, I’ve had and still have some pretty amazing guys in my life.) 

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Love, Care and Friendship

Often, when I write, I write from personal experience or from personal observations I’ve made. This doesn’t mean that when I’m not writing I’m not observing or experiencing though! lol 🙂

So, why did I start with that?

I was thinking to myself today about how “no one” (I don’t mean this literally) has buzzed me in a bit. I was mulling the idea around in my head and I came to the conclusion that everyone most likely thinks I am busy or something like that. Which although is true, is not an excuse for them or me either tbh.

I have learnt in my short time on this earth, that often when people withdraw, stop talking as often as they used to, or become “busy” there is usually a reason.

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Meredith Grey and Christina Yang, cause I learnt so much from their relationship! ❤

It’s either someone got tired of being the only one putting effort into the relationship, something is going on in their personal life health or otherwise, some sort of offense occurred, or they are actually busy and at those times hearing from loved ones can be very therapeutic.

Human beings are selfish by nature. We only want to do what is best for us. We only want to take care of ourselves. We want person A to do so and so for us, but we aren’t ready to do anything in return. We are lazy when it comes to others but hardworking when it comes to ourselves. It shouldn’t be that way. I mean, yes, you should take care of yourself, but at the same time, you should take care of the people in your life. The people who surround you.

friendsWe are often reminded to be the friends we want to have. This means, if you want a friend that checks up on you often, then check up on your friends often. If you want a friend that takes you out then take your friends out. If you want a friend that sacrifices for you, then be ready to make sacrifices for your friends.

Call your friends more. If you don’t hear from someone stop thinking “if the person wanted to talk he/she would call” you don’t know where the person is in his/her life. Do nice things without expecting something in return. Be the friend you want to have. Fight the selfish nature in you. Love without reservations. Yes, not everyone will reciprocate to the same extent, but 1) that shouldn’t stop you and 2) that shouldn’t make you turn nonchalant to those that actually need you.

At the end of the day, I guess the take home message is, don’t get too comfortable with your friends and loved ones. Don’t get so comfortable that you take them for granted. remember that they too are human. We are called to love, the sooner we realise this, the better.

Thank you so much for reading today’s post! I hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to comment and share!

Photo credit: Google lol

 

Don’t Step Into This Room

Written by Ruth Umez

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Don’t step into this room

There’s lots of broken glass, shattered windows, barbed wires and electric fences

You might get hurt

You might step on broken jars of trust

So I’ve daily placed this big sign

“DONT DARE COME HERE”

 

But if you push a little, you’ll find the doors are open

Cause silently everyday I hang that sign there’s a tiny prayer‎ beneath

That someone would dare open that door

Dare the broken glass and reach out

‎I sat everyday in that room, waiting

 

And just when I was at breaking point, accepting this dungeon as my fate

You came in and stretched out Your hand

Suspicious, I asked “why?”

And You said “Cause You love me”

Ha! Nice line but I’ve learnt too much to fall for that now

But I looked into Your eyes and saw truth, I saw every part of me in Your eyes

And I knew somehow You’ve never kept Your eyes off me

With shaky arms and closed eyes I stretch out my hand too

 

But this hole has been home for so long

How can I leave, how will I fit in?

Won’t the badge of slavery be seen everywhere I go?

Then my fears drowned when I saw You weaving something out of barbed wire

You‎ made a crown for Your head out of the thorns which had confined me for years

So You could show me and anyone who would try to argue or contend my freedom

 

I rushed to ‎Your feet,

Blood dripping from Your head to my back

I didn’t understand why but You made it clear that You considered me worth it

But sometimes I fear, scared I might not be worth the rescue

I turn and see You as my Rearward

When I think of tomorrow I see You as my Fore-guard

You have become my future, my reality, my purpose

 

This all encompassing, drowning love of Yours

Makes me lay my whole being, my whole labour and assets at the feet of the One who wasn’t scared of pulling off the piles of filth that suffocated me

The One who didn’t break this bruised reed and didn’t quench this smoking flax

And I’m willing to let You go through the dark alleys of my heart

To all the cupboards of pain and shame

To piles of stinking self-pride and condemnation

Willing to let You clean it all,

To snatch away these baggage I’ve guarded so well

 

So Lord Jesus please come into my heart and see everything I’ve become

I no longer withhold and hide from You in shame

I know You heal,revive crushed spirits and restore the broken-hearted

Jesus come into my heart again, come into my everyday and every moment

You’re the Owner of my spirit, be the Owner of my mind, belly, desires, and emotions

And I’m willing to drown and lose who I am in You.

Thank you for reading today’s post! I hope you enjoyed it!

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It’s Valentine’s Day in a bit…

Tomorrow is valentine’s day ❤

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I am currently listening to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. For anyone who is a Grey’s Anatomy fan, ya’ll know that song just gets you all up in your feelings. You don’t even need to be thinking of anything deep, it just happens! lol,

Anyways, this isn’t going to be a long post, not at all, because I don’t really have that much to say. Love is a beautiful gift and should be treated as such. I don’t just mean romantic love, I mean love in every way.

Ask the woman who just lost her husband, or the man who just lost his wife. They’ll both tell you that time is never enough. They’ll tell you they wish they could spend some more time with their spouse, even if they’d been together for years. The same goes for the man who lost his mother, or the woman who lost her father, or anyone who has lost a loved one. They’ll always tell you that time is never enough.

You can never tell what will happen tomorrow. Don’t take for granted the love you have today. If you love someone! It’s been said so many times,  tell the person. Don’t hold back on loving the people in your life. Don’t be worried about coming across as too emotional or too needy. There’s nothing wrong in showing love and saying the words. Because you don’t know… it might be your last time and even if it isn’t, what do you gain from holding back? Like Alfred Lord Tennyson said ” Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

So it’s valentines day tomorrow. Kudos to those who show their loved ones love every day, doesn’t mean you can’t do something special! To those that don’t, let tomorrow be a reminder for you. Tell your mum, your dad, your friends, the people you love, that you love them. Show them love when you can, as often a you can. Don’t leave any room for regrets. Like I say, life is already a pot of beans. You don’t need to make it worse by adding regrets.

Happy Valentines Day

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I Love You…

img-20160804-wa0000It’s 21:35 and as I am writing this my head is really blank, but I gave my word, and I have every intention of fulfilling it.

I wanted to write about love today. Why? Well, because it is important, it’s important to me and to a lot of people. But for some reason, I seem unable to articulate myself properly. So forgive me if this isn’t up to “par”.

Over the summer, I learnt something about myself. I learnt that I love to be loved. I’m sure this seems like a pretty obvious one, but I only realised it over the last few months.

I am one of the most antisocial social people I know. I don’t know how to explain it, but at the end of the day, I tend to come across as someone who is proud, doesn’t like people, shy or something like that, but really, I just don’t do too well with people. I have learnt to accept that part of me, and to be honest, most times I am fine with it.

What I am not fine with however, is the absence of love. I don’t need to be surrounded by people to be happy or content, in fact I find that when I am surrounded by people I usually get exhausted and frustrated. The thing I do need though, to be the best that I can be, is love.

I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. Because when you think about it, we are all searching for love in one form or the other. We are all searching for someone to love us and show us we are special, and that’s okay. I believe we were created to love and to be loved, but this is a fallen world and so we don’t love as we should, but we all desire it.

In my opinion, we all work better when we have love. It’s something I think we fail to realise until we are surrounded by love and then away from it.

Like I said earlier, I believe we were all created for and to love. The Bible in 1 John 4:19 says “We love Him because He first loved us” I never really understood how that was a thing, I mean, I believed it, but I didn’t understand it, but today it hit me. Let me try and explain with a little story.

There is this woman that I love. I met her say five years ago and then after “friending” her on Facebook and not talking for like 4 years, I re-met her last year.

One of the first things she said to me when we met was, “I love you”. Ah, me being the Nigerian that I am, I was skeptical. I mean, who randomly loves someone they don’t know without wanting something in return?

But she did and she still does and I love her because she loves me. There is something about being loved by someone who doesn’t “know” you. Something about being loved in an unconditional manner that prompts you to love back. It comes with the knowledge that you didn’t do anything to deserve the love, the love isn’t based on what you can give, it’s just there…

I want to love like that, always. I’m still learning, but it is something I aspire to. Because there isn’t enough love in the world. We need it but we are too scared to give it. We don’t want to be hurt or to be taken advantage of. We don’t want to look like fools, so we hold back. But the thing is, we were made to love, and we do a disservice to ourselves and to God when we refuse to love the people around us. When we walk around with hate based on political views, tribes, race, religion etc.

Love conquers all things. It really does. If we had a little more pure, honest, genuine non-selfish love in the world, we wouldn’t have half the problems we have.

I know I need love to thrive and I know that a lot of people, weather they know it or not do to. So I have decided to love. Not because I want something in return, but because I been called to love and because I know a little act of love and kindness can go a long way in making someone’s life better.

So today, on this 14th day of December 2016, I challenge you to love. To love selflessly and unconditionally. Christmas is a celebration of love, so why not show a little love to someone.

Today, I am thankful for love. For everyone that has dared to love me. For everyone that has shown love in the midst of hate.

Above all else, I am thankful for the ultimate and unconditional love of my Heavenly Father, because the truth is, His love is the only love that can fully satisfy.

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p.s I apologise for the lateness of this post!

Image courtesy of Iyke Ibeh. You can find him on IG @iykeibeh

 

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