Growing Pains and Such

A few weeks ago, I received a revelation about myself (more like I was reminded that I still have old habits that are annoying, and need to be dealt with). It took me a few hours to process what happened, but I caught it, and now I’m here writing about it.
When bad things happen to us, we find ways to cope – coping mechanisms. We develop these coping mechanisms to help us navigate rough times, expecting that if the same thing happens again, we will have the skills to cope. But sometimes, the skills we develop to help us cope are the same things that prevent us from receiving the love and care we want.
Let’s talk about my “revelation”. It had been a rough week, and all I needed and wanted was a hug, a big hug. I knew we had a service in church that evening, and I knew I could get a hug from someone. So, on some level, I was looking forward to the hug. However, the strangest thing happened when I got to church. I walked into the church building, and there was my friend – just the person I wanted a hug from. When she saw me, she hugged me! The thing I looked forward to all day! The expected response is a warm hug back, right? Well, my dear readers, I am here to tell you my response was the most unenthused hug I have ever given to someone I care about. *face palm*
I stood there while she hugged me, wondering why I wasn’t hugging her back. It bothered me all through the service that night. But on my way home, I finally realised what it was. You see, while I wanted the hug badly, two things were going on in my subconscious. I was scared of being rejected and scared of being vulnerable. Because to have hugged her back the way I wanted to would have put me in such a vulnerable position, and what if she laughed at my vulnerability? Or did what if she did not understand it? And so when the thing I wanted finally presented itself, I pulled back and built a wall around myself to protect myself from rejection.

It’s strange, isn’t it? The way we respond when we are hurting or trying to avoid hurt. And I understand, I do. Life can sometimes put you in a position where you do what you have to do to survive, to remain sane, and to keep your head above water.
But here is the deal. As you get older and wiser, you owe it to yourself and those around you to figure out these defective and harmful defence mechanisms and pull them down. Now is the time to be better, to do better. Just because you have always done it that way, or because it comes naturally to you, does not mean it is the right thing to do.

Just because you have always done it that way, or because it comes naturally to you, does not mean it is the right thing to do.

I know the goal is self-preservation, but I assure you, if it does more harm than good, then it needs to go. So this is your reminder. This post is the sign you need. Anything that isn’t helping you become the version of you that God created you to be needs to go. Lets be clear, the goal is to be like Christ, if it isn’t producing Christ-like fruit in your life, it needs to get the boot!
We all have coping mechanisms which are detrimental to ourselves and our relationships, some more obvious than others. So keep an eye out for them, and when you identify those things that you do to protect yourself that are doing more harm than good, catch yourself and take the necessary steps to fix things. Talk to God about them – He always wants to help. Go to therapy, talk to a friend, someone you trust. Do some research, and find the skills you need. It will seem awkward and difficult. It will go against your instinct, but remember that anything doing more harm than good doesn’t belong in your life.

anything that does more harm than good doesn’t belong in your life.

At the end of service that evening, I told my friend I had had a very rough week. You see, although I cheated myself out of a hug, I was determined not to miss out on an opportunity to offload a burden.
Talking about how I felt that day…I almost felt embarrassed, but my friend responded with all the warmth and love I needed.
My default setting would have been to keep my mouth shut, but like I said, we can’t keep doing things that cause more harm than good and wonder why we don’t see change.
Sometimes, all it takes is a little crack in the door, and endless possibilities become available.
So again, what are you holding on to that isn’t making you a better person? Just because it comes naturally to you, or you have always done it that way, doesn’t make it the right thing to do!

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Signed, Mrs S.B.O