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Wandering Thoughts

Because sometimes hiding behind a pen and paper is the only way we can express our true thoughts and feelings

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Everything!

The Birds We Once Created

– Written by Leo Makokolee Owan

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“Rain rain go away, little children want to play!” Do you all remember this song?

Yesterday, it rained and I looked at the sky. My heart was broken, I felt sad, I felt pity and I was disappointed.

Guess what I didn’t see after the rain? Kites.

God! That realisation pained me!

Kites were our very own birds. Our very own creation. Since we couldn’t  fly (thanks to gravity) and touch the clouds, we created our own birds and we called them Kites.

When I was a child, each time the rain fell, we would run outside with our friends and neighbours,  position ourselves and then, we’d compete within ourselves for who will fly the highest kite(s). It was fun because the skies were decorated and I’m sure God was giggling at our pure and playful hearts.

‎The old folks usually come out and reminisce. They’ll gaze at the different colours of kites up in the sky and sigh. For it was a beautiful thing to see that, the joy and fun they once had is still alive in the generation they’ve given birth to.
The birds felt jealous because something else was taking their “shine”.

Even when I reached a certain age and stopped flying kites, the children then still flew kites. And whenever my teenage mind was troubled by the absence of my mother or an irrelevant worry, I’d go out and watch the kites.

My God… it was such a beauty to behold.

Kites were all over the skies, and you could see other kites from afar, lost in the clouds, connecting with kids all over the world. Those kites made me relaxed whenever I felt down and hopeless.

It was like we were trying to reach out to God, you know, trying to pass out a message to Heaven’s gate.

Before this paragraph, I sighed.

What happened? Who am I to blame? The parents or the kids? Because these days all I see in the sky are just birds and invisible kites, trapped in my memory.

The kids that are supposed to fly kites are busy taking same outfit pictures with their parents on Instagram. I’m not saying it’s a bad act but most of the parents these days just want to play cool for the world to see.

Now, children don’t play anymore. Boys don’t play street soccer anymore. Girls don’t play “house” anymore. Older siblings don’t tell them stories anymore.

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The other day, I witnessed a mother telling her 10 year old (or there about- daughter); “As old as you are, you want  me to buy you toys? Aren’t your mates making money and selling in the market?”

Last year’s Christmas, my street was like Zombie land. No kids, no knock-outs, no rockets, no bonfire, no street concerts, no house to house visits, no arguments like  “My Christmas clothe is finer than yours” ‎
All the kids were indoors, playing adults. That’s why most of us grow up as little kids, mimicking adult lives and then get tired along the line. Because our childhood is trapped in us like a secret waiting to escape.  ‎

My heart cries for this generation and my lips and heart will pray for the next generation so that one day, when I’m old and no longer able to run with the wind or dance in the rain, I’ll step out with the help of my grandchildren and they’ll say‎
“Grandpa! Grandpa!! Look!” pointing at the sky, “Kites!”

And I believe I’ll smile and say feebly, “Go and fly yours, my children.”

Please let our children be children.
Don’t cage them. ‎
God loves children, he actually wants us to be like them. ‎

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Why I Don’t Drive!

So believe it or not, I don’t know how to drive!  *covers face*

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Lol, I have refused to learn for a number of reasons, but the primary reason, the major road block to my learning to drive is…. *drum roll please*

FEAR!

Yup, that’s it, fear. Like, what if someone runs into me? Or I run into a building, or I panic and knock someone down! Lol

I’m sure you’re wondering how that little bit of information is relevant to anything right now, and why I just told you I’m scared of driving?!

Well, the things is, driving is not the only thing I haven’t done due to fear.

Before I started blogging, I was petrified of showing people anything I wrote. In fact, most people didn’t know I could even write to begin with because I was scared. I was scared of how people would see my work, I was scared of how they would respond to the topics I wrote on, I was scared nobody would like it… as in, the list of things I was scared of was endless.

For a very long time, up until quite recently, I had been very scared of performing in front of people. i.e reciting my pieces (poems, spoken word, whatever you want to call them) in front of people. Why? Well, what if I’m not good enough, or  nobody likes it? What if I forget my lines etc. in my head the list was truly endless…

Again you’re probably wondering why I am listing some of my silly and irrational fears to you, but give me a minute, I actually have a point I’m trying to make.

Believe it or not, fear is something that holds a lot of people, including myself, from being great and doing great things. The fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, the fear of disapproval, the fear of death, the fear of loss etc… the list of fears we can possibly have as human beings is endless

But what do we gain from letting that fear have a grip on us? Absolutely nothing! Instead we actually lose  a lot. We lose the joy of success, we lose the pride of hard work and a job well done, we lose the satisfaction of seeing the fruit of our labour, we lose the excitement of something new, we lose the knowledge that we are fulfilling God’s plan for our lives, cause believe it or nah, a lot of times fear stops us from doing and fulfilling Gods plan and purpose for us.

Now, this is not me saying I have overcome all my fears and I’m ready to bungee jump off a 30 floor story building, lol, far from it. This however is me saying hey, fear is normal, like Franklin Roosevelt said, ” courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that there is something greater than fear.”

Look beyond the fear, and see the possibilities you would be denying yourself of, if you decide to sit in fear. The worst thing that can happen is you make a mistake, or you fail, and in all honesty, those things aren’t all that bad. I mean, if you make a mistake, you’ve learnt something new… something you would most likely avoid in the future, and if you fail, you can try again, in a different way. Again, you’ve learnt something new and it will more than likely stand to your benefit sooner or later!

2 Timothy 1:7 ” For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind”

So!!! In light of all that, and in the spirit of being fearless, I have been thinking of starting a podcast, and I would like your opinion(s). There is a poll below, if you would like for me to do a podcast, please let me know, and I will!

Also! phot credit goes to the amazing Iyke Ibeh! Follow him on IG @iykeibeh

Back When…

Hey everyone! So it’s been a while (kinda). In the time I’ve been away I was interviewed by a friend for her blog. If you haven’t seen the interview, you can watch it  Here It’s a bit long, but I hope it shares some light on me as a person! 

In the mean time, enjoy today’s piece 😊

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Back when I was younger, my tears were mine..

I was hard-core, my tears were mine.
Crying was for weaklings,
People born with silver and gold spoons
People without a backbone, no spunk, no liver.

You see, I was strong… But they didn’t believe me
They laughed at me and called me weak.
So I vowed I’d never shed a tear in their presence,
My tears were for me and me alone
I wasn’t a weakling, I was made of gold.

10 years later and all that changed
My tears aren’t mine, they never were
I cry for the sister from the other day, the guy from next door
I cry for the man who lost his wife,
The woman whose son just died,
I bleed for the kid who thinks he’s worth nothing
And the girl starving to look like the next “IT” girl.

Call me whatever you please, a weakling or a kid..

I cried when you said you were leaving,
I cried when they said you were dying.
When aunty said you had passed, my heart almost fell apart
I cried like I had lost a part of my heart.

These days my tears belong to the world.
So much pain, so much hurt, not enough people acknowledging the shot.
So again, I bleed for the kid next door…
The one with anxiety and the one with fear,
The one with depression and a poor self-image,
The one struggling with an addiction and the one contemplating suicide,
The one walking a lonely path and wondering where it ends,
The one lying in the hospital bed praying for life.

My tears fall for you, but not forever,
I’ll wipe them off soon enough,
My tears are yours, but so are my words,
I can’t fix everything, but I can try.

I can tell you how beautiful you are
And how life is worth living..
I can tell you it won’t last and the pain will end soon
I can buy you ice cream and hold your hand while you sleep
I can be your friend, a strength when you’re weak..
But beyond that, I can get on my knees and pray for your peace.

I may not be able to solve everything, I may not be all you need
But what I have I’ll give, my prayers are yours to keep.

 

Thank you for reading! Feel free to like, comment and share! 

Also, feel free to subscribe to my blog to get all my blog posts as they are posted! God bless 😊

Photo credit: DipAce, you can see more of his work on his IG page @dipphotos

To Live…

Happy St. Patrick’s day beautiful people! It’s been a while, so I decided to take advantage of the day off and post something! I hope you enjoy it! 🙂

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To live, the dream and aspiration of every man.

Not to merely exist, but to live…

To feel the kiss of the sun, the whisper of the  breeze, the song of the bird.

To live to the fullest, enjoy the moments when they come.

Dance in the rain, laugh with abandon.

Wouldn’t it be fun not to care?

To act before you think? Reckless abandon, your piece of cake?

 

Heavy feet, dragging behind you.

Desk to desk, food, sleep by the way.

Days rolling into each other, night, day.. A blur.

Life… caught up in the circle of earning a living.

Forgetting to live.

Amassing riches, gold, money, cars,

Your pick at your disposal, yet indisposed to use.

Dust gathers, mold grows, from dust to dust.

Your possession’s vanish before your very eyes.

 

That holiday planed for the last 5 years,

Cancelled for business the first time,

They needed you the second.

The third.. You just couldn’t go.

Your spouse tires of your constant absence,

Can’t remember the last time you did more than sleep in the same bed.

Your scent but a memory, your touch a distant dream…

Your kids can’t remember the last time you took them to the park,

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Read a story, made them laugh..

They tiptoe around you.. You earn the money, you pay the fee’s,

Kids are to be seen not heard.

 

That 6 figure lady

Too busy earning… making a name for yourself.

All the men avoid you, sorry respect you.

No time for fun, no time for love.

Every social encounter, a calculated move

No spontaneity,

Days blend, work your life.

You say you’re happy, but at night in bed, your pillow begs to differ.

Insomnia sets in, your darkest thoughts revealed.

One too many drinks, takes away the sting of another night alone.

Skipped meals, you say you’re dieting, but in reality, the empty dining table reminds you of how alone you are.

 

The beauty of life is only experienced when you live, and not just exist.

When you savour your meals, flavours exploding in your mouth.

When you appreciate the birds, their cheerful nature.

When you smile at the rainbow,

Take a minute to appreciate nature.

Allow the flavours of the world become a reality in your life.

Slow down and breathe.. Smile, it costs you nothing.

Money can buy clothes, food, people to make you happy,

It can do a lot of things…

But at  night, when you lie in  bed, alone.. It can’t buy love,

It can’t buy joy..

Don’t rush through life solely accumulating,

Constantly calculating..

Take a moment to smell the roses, before it’s too late.

 

Thank you for stopping by! I look forward to hearing your thoughts and comments! Please feel free to comment and share! 🙂

Photocredit: Iyke Ibeh. Check him out on IG to see more of his amazing pictures @iykeibeh

The Casuality of Sex (II)

So I wrote a part one to this, and since I wrote a part one I felt compelled to write a part two… However, I’d like  to just point out that even though they have the same title these posts can both be read as separate entities! Having said that, if you’d like to read part one, click here!

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I grew up seeing sex as reserved for a man and his wife alone. Not a man, his wife and his girlfriend. Or a man, his girlfriend and his side chick! The fact that those things are very rampant in society is heartbreaking! Because, not only has society turned sex into a casual affair, it has also turned faithfulness in relationships into a rare commodity!!

You see, as a Christian, when you have extramarital sex, it’s actually called adultery! We hardly ever hear this term being used though! I guess it’s a bit too strong and a bit too offensive for society. That however doesn’t make it less true.

But let’s leave marriage for now!

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As an individual, I find it hard to wrap my head around this concept of a side chick… The woman commonly referred to as “the other woman” . To me it’s pretty black and white! Like I’m very accepting and liberal in my thinking, and I have tried to understand and even accept this (in more ways than one) but I really can’t budge on it! If you love her, then you don’t cheat on her! Life is too short for those kind of games! If you see someone else that you like, why not just end it with the first person and get together with the second? This goes for both men and ladies! Cause, I mean… You’re not married! Nothing is forcing you to stay with said partner, so why cheat? Why date two people at the same time?!

To me… It shows a lack of contentment, but more than that, it shows a lack of faithfulness, that in my opinion will probably transcend from the realm of dating to the realm of marriage….

Maybe I’m wrong! Maybe it’s just me and my old fashion way of thinking, but to me, faithfulness is a big deal! Same way sex is a big deal!

So before I go, I’ll just say this. Before  you choose to have a sexual relationship with your partner, think about why you’re doing it, think about the consequences, think about the future and then act accordingly. It doesn’t matter what your race, religion or gender is. A lot goes on during sex that is beyond the physical, and it would be great if we stopped being so casual about it (and a lot of other thing to be honest).

Finally! When it comes to faithfulness, in the words of some unknown wise man, ” You can’t have your cake and eat it!”

These are my random thoughts what are yours?! I look forward to reading your thoughts and comments! 

PhotocreditEjike Manny Photography. For more pictures like these check him out on IG  @ejikemanny! 

The Casuality of Sex (Part I)

Yes, I realise casuality is not a recognised word in the English language, but hey, English changes everyday! 

Casuality (as defined by Sharon Bolanta): The casual nature by which certain things are treated.

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I have a very close circle of friends… I like it that way. I don’t really meet new random people per say.. Whenever I meet someone new, it’s probably a friend of a friend or something like that.

However, last year, I decided I’d be a tad bit more spontaneous.. So this year, when random people say hi to me, instead of ignoring them, I actually respond nicely :)..

This week, was my first time of being this nice person.. And something quite interesting happened.

Twice I was approached/offered cyber-sex, by two random people who had no clue who I was or anything at all about me.

The funny part was, there was no warm up.. There was no talking up to it.

It was like “I’m bored, let’s have sex!”

Now, maybe this is normal to people out there, but to me, it was a shock to my system, cause like, they didn’t know me.. Funny part was, one was a lady, and she didn’t care to know if I was straight or not..  she could have at least asked me!

Anyways, I thought about it for all of 5 minutes and I was like  but why were you surprised? Over the last few weeks I had been discussing with my mother how people have turned sex into such a casual affair.. Like now a days, it means absolutely nothing. You hook up with people just cause they are attractive, or you’re drunk or something like that.

I’m a Christian, and I don’t believe in pre martial sex.. Now, even if I wasn’t a Christian, I still cannot imagine myself being so casual about it.

Like yo.. its sex, it’s a joining, I’m being joined to you for that time. A bond is being formed, no matter how small, how weak, or how brief, It is being formed…. and in my opinion it should be special or at the very least be reserved for people who are more than mere strangers, and no, knowing my name, age, relationship status and occupation does not mean you know me…

And so, I cannot imagine why anyone would be okay with having sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry.. Or every Mary, Amanda and Joy.. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Yes.. I realise I’m probably one of the only few who think this way, but that’s my opinion.

No, I don’t expect you to agree with me, I don’t expect you to all of a sudden change your ways or any of that jazz…

I just think we should all think about the real reason why we do things and maybe some of us need to learn the art of self-control.

These are my thoughts… What are yours?

Disclaimer: As a Christian, I believe sex (sexual intercourse) is specifically reserved for married couples.

Photo credit: Ejike Manny Photography. For more amazing wedding pictures, you can follow him on IG @ejikemanny!

Letter to My 21 Year Old Self

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The next time you see someone you like, walk up to him and say “hey I like you I think you have a cute smile”

Don’t worry so much about the response you get, your actions will probably put a lift in his step

The next time she asks you why you don’t drink, tell her the truth, don’t try make excuses to spare her feelings.. She never spared yours with her opinions.

Live every day like it’s your last, yes cliché but true

Don’t be scared to get on the bus and go, stop pre-empting the disaster that’s never going to happen.

Put your phone down more often, they won’t die without you

I know your desire to be there is as real as the sun and  as beautiful as the sky but the truth is, a few hours without you won’t kill the flowers that surround you.

Smile more, laugh more, be happy more.. Life isn’t as complicated as it seems…

Yes society sucks and people are mean…. But sometimes dancing in the rain is all the healing you need.

The next time you get asked, what did you do last weekend?.. Answer honestly, even though you were at bible study on Friday, choir practice on Saturday and church on Sunday..

Answer with confidence , don’t blink don’t stutter, your faith is the only  permanent thing you have In this world, be proud of it!

Don’t defend your choice of weekend activities to her, don’t say nothing.. Cause clearly that was something.

Don’t deny your saving grace for the grace of a smile on a face.

A face that’ll fade and forget your name, for a grace that’ll be there when no one sees the pain.

Be more honest about what you believe and why you believe, they don’t have to accept you, they don’t have to understand.

You were not created to fit in, but to stand out.

The next time he touches the small of your back and whispers sweet nonsense in your ear, turn around, look him in the eye and say “if you’re not here to stay please take a seat, my time is too precious to waste on wandering feet”.

If his smile makes you uncomfortable, don’t sit there and let him molest you with his eyes. Don’t pretend like you don’t care and are not revolted by his stare.

Muster all the confidence you have, stand tall and tell him to back off.

You are not his sex toy, your body not his playground.

The next time he says to you, “you know you want this”

Look him in the eye and say “No, I do not want this, never have and never will”.

Pack your bags and leave, there is nothing holding you but the invisible chains you feel.

Do not fear what he will do or how he will feel, there is nothing worse than living in a living hell.

Dear 21 year old me, I’ve said a lot and you might not agree with me, but one thing I know..

Life is too short to spend all your time worrying and borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

Live happy, be happy.. Love  more, laugh more, dance more.. Be spontaneous sometimes… It’s not gonna kill you.

When you love people tell them, they might not be there tomorrow.

Enjoy the moments you have, life is too short to be anything but enjoyed.

Heart… To Break or to Mend

So.. who ever said final year was easy, lied!! LOL

Anyways, so in the midst of all my stress, I decided a little non academic writing was necessary..

Thanks to Leo for the title 🙂 I quite like it!

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How do you say I LOVE YOU without actually saying the words?

The truth is, I’m distracted.

I can’t concentrate cause my mind is on you

I feel like I’ve hurt you, in the worst possible way..

A part of me wants you to say those three words,

So I can feel safe in the knowledge that it’s true.

And even if we aren’t together there’s some hope to hold on to.

My mind keeps drifting to you.

I know I hurt you, but maybe you can forgive me..

Maybe it’s not too late to fix things..

Because the truth is, today.. Just like every day other day for the last month

I can’t stop thinking about you.

But unlike every other day, today, there’s a sadness attached to my thoughts

The deep sadness that comes with knowing loss

The sadness that’s realised when your favourite puppy dies

Or you watch your best friend board the train, and even though she said she’d be back

You know that maybe today, will be the last time you’ll see her…

It’s a deep sadness.. And it hurts.

My heart is calm.. It can’t speak. I know it wants to shout and beg and cry

But it can’t speak.

It watches you as you leave.. As you turn your back and leave

As you pack your bags, take your belongings, take your essence and leave

Her beat is slow.. She’s too calm.. I worry that she’ll stop if she keeps beating at this rate..

But I guess that fact that you’re leaving has somehow sapped the life from her being…

Today.. The thoughts are random.. And they don’t make sense..

The feelings however are true and they sing only one tune..

Please don’t leave.. I need you.

Settling

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Over the past year, I’ve said to myself “I need more  friends”.

I’ve constantly been saying over and over again how I’m lonely more often than not, how I need people to rely on, people I can call on 24/7 and said people would be available, how these people would get me on every level.. you know, all that good stuff…

Now, I know that’s a bit of wishful thinking, cause let’s be honest.. No-one, no matter how much they love you and want to be there for you, can be there for you 24/7 365 days a year. Why? Because they have a life and sometimes their lives will clash with your needs, but it hasn’t stopped me or a lot of other people from wanting it.

Like a lot of young people, I’m on Instagram a lot. The problem with Instagram is, if you follow the right people, you will find that there are quite a number of people who share your idea’s, dreams, aspirations, and people that someday, you wouldn’t mind working with.

So where is the problem in that?  Well, a lot of them  have a million followers, or 10,000 or 50,000 and that means they have likes in the thousands and comments in the hundreds and probably dm’s in the same league..  This means actually getting their attention is a very hard job.

This has hit me harder than I’d like to admit. Like, why cant I have friends like them, why can’t we be friends?? Why must they be so popular that they can’t respond to people like me? People who aren’t creeps and genuinely just want to rub minds together?? sigh #TheStruggle.

Through all of this, I’ve been tempted to settle.. settle to be friends with just anyone. Settle with people who don’t understand me, or my dreams and aspirations. Settle with people who could potentially could hurt me. Why? Because I’m human, I get impatient sometimes in my quest for more.

So what have I done? What have I learnt? Don’t settle. It’s hard and it sucks.. being lonely hurts, feeling like you cant communicate with anyone hurts, feeling like all your conversations are only surface deep isn’t a nice feeling, but don’t settle.

While you’re waiting for your amazing friends to show up, while you’re waiting for that “amazing blogger” to notice you or that “awesome artist” to see you, that “creative mind” that “manager/producer/whatever you want him/her to be” focus on you. Make you the best you can possibly be. Grow in the area’s you need to develop. Work on the not so great parts of you, and make them great. Don’t fold your hands and wait for something to happen, take a step to make you better.. and while doing that, remember.. DON’T SETTLE. You settling means you’re underselling your worth. Don’t do that! You are amazing. You are beautiful, don’t let anyone treat you any less than you deserve, male, female, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend it doesn’t matter.. You are worth something, and if you are in a relationship that makes you feel less than that, then you’re settling and you shouldn’t!

#RantOver#DontSettle#KnowYourWorth#Bae#Boo#Bestie#KnowYourWorth

Disclaimer: I have amazing friends and I love each and everyone of them!

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