So its been a while since I last posted.. It isn’t that I haven’t been writing, I actually wrote this much earlier in the year. I was going through an interesting time, and decided to put pen to paper. I figured someone might benefit from the random thoughts I had.
Some days I lie in bed and hate you.
Tears running down my face, mind numb, heart cold.
I wish I didn’t love you.. Wish every news about you didn’t break my mending heart.
Wish every message didn’t give me hope just to tear it down
A wave building up to its crescendo rising higher and higher.. My hope.
Soaring like an eagle! Grateful for the new beginning… Stripped so suddenly.
The end Before the beginning, the sudden crash of the wave
I realize my declaration of love makes me look weak .
But I’ve learnt in the time you’ve been away that vulnerability is power.
To be unafraid of my emotions, to embrace the pain and the hurt.
Holding them so close to me, loving them unconditionally.
Embracing the fear, the shame.. That, that makes me human.. It makes me me.
So yea, I spill it out to you today.. I’ll bleed a little cause its long overdue
The pent up anger has to go, the delusion that maybe if I try hard enough you’ll love me enough to come back…
Sitting in bed tonight.. Alone and tired, pondering why every good person seems to leave..
Why I cant seem to be happy and excited about life,
I realised it was never bout me..
You stepped into my life.. It was a kairos moment
You opened my eyes to beauty I missed all my life.
You put me on the path to embracing the real me.
Opened my eyes to all the hidden treasures.
But u left, oh so suddenly.. Slammed the door in my face.. Damn, that hurt.
I felt robbed of breath.
Found myself alternating between hot and cold, fire and ice, hate and love.
Sinking, drowning.. My lungs on fire.
I was lost without you.
Gasping for breath.. Looking for my next fix, hoping it would last longer than the last
Hoping after today I wouldn’t be so dependent
Maybe I’ll learn and man up.. Build some muscle.
Swap my emotions for detachment
My love for indifference..
I laugh now.. Cause that never did happen..
I still love you, still bleed for you, still pray for you.
The journey of self love started with you,
Your outstretched hand pulling me up, catching me when I was about to fall
You brought me back to me first love..
My hiding place, black and white. Ink on paper
Your withdrawal opened my eyes to what was right before me
Stepping back to learn to love the real me
It can never and will never be about the 200 people who know me
Just the most important person, me..
So today.. With this piece. Written at 00:59 hrs
To the girl who pushed me in the right direction..
Thank you.. I struggle with your absence, it hurts and I still bleed..
But deep down I’ll always love you